Friday, May 28, 2010

Confessions of a Slim skinny Girl

Everyone wants beauty. Beautiful home, beautiful children, beautiful spouse, beautiful self...and it seems that there is this huge stereotype thinking that beauty is looking great and sexy. Great here means like that of the models; tall, curvy, skinny for the ladies...tough, six packs, tanned for the gents.

Almost everyone dreams of having skinny, slim figure. Some even starve themselves to death for it. It is as though it is a great accomplishment if you have such figure and that you will be beautiful if you are slim, and it is like the thing that can make many girls happy.

Well, it's not.

Not entirely. I've been slim and skinny for almost the rest of my life. I weigh 40kg and never put up even 1kg till now, despite that I eat a lot. On one side, I considered myself very fortunate for having a very competent and fast metabolism.I can eat a whole large pizza and never get worried of getting fat.And sometimes I smiled in pride when people compliment and said their envy of me for no need to bother undergoing diet or having to do strenuous exercise to keep my body slim, and how they wished they have my body instead.

But that's where they're wrong.

There is another side of the coin. While they are wanting to be slim like me, I so wanted to be curvy and have some flesh like them, instead of just skins and bones.Indeed, I like my body. But somehow I hope I can have just a little bit more. Being slim or skinny isn't all that fun. In my situation, despite that I can wear clothes that people can't get into, there are many situations where I want to wear clothes but couldn't because I'm just too small for it. Even if that clothes is size S. On my body, it looks like an L sized outfit. It is such a downer. I cannot do like what my sister and my friends always do when they go shopping; grab an outfit, and don't bother trying it on, because it's the common and normal size and fits them perfectly. I have to try it out, and in most situation it ends up back on the shelf because it is not my size.Just recently, I went out to buy baju kurung, but none fits me, despite that I really like some of them. I have to send it to a tailor, which will definitely cause more money than just buying a ready made one at the stores. It is very sad, and depressing for me. It makes me underestimate myself, thinking that I'm never looking good enough. It goes for other stuff. I cannot wear bracelets without having it altered, or buy rings from normal shops because none fits my boney fingers.

The saddest part of all is being teased and joked at. Sure, I never say anything, because I thought it as a joke. But frankly, it hurts. I got teased whenever I tried apparels; my friends will say: can you even fit in this? You look weird wearing it. The clothes are nice but it's not anymore when you wear them...and it goes on and on...People underestimate me when I volunteered to do something because of my size; are you sure you can do that?? better not, it's for your own good.... Excuse me, but I know my limits and my strength. And making fun of me is like a routine; be careful, you don't want to be blown away by the wind, don't wear that you look like you're shrinking, careful with the heels, you don't want to tumble up and break into pieces... And being a person vulnerable and prone to external influences, I grew up underestimating myself, feeling that I'm no good to do anything, or even capable to.I lost most of my confidence due to it. When I know I can do more, there's always a voice that crushed my spirit of proving myself to the world. Yes, I'm being pessimistic, an escapist and sensitive.

It's not that fun being skinny and slim. At all. Not fun. Don't get fooled by those models. Of course they are enjoying because they are being paid! And they are suffering to stay like that. But other people, ordinary people like us can enjoy as many food and delicacies there is in this world. So don't stupidly wished you are skinnier than what you are now, because this skinny girl would love so much to have that body of yours instead of a papan lapis figure. That is just what the media wants people to think, when you yourself are beautiful. Just put your head high and show off those beautiful curves...(i said this to myself everyday, yet, nothing changed)

1 comment:

fiki wiki said...

you should put a photo of yourself la babe.
and omg you're 40kg, and u eat like crap. WOW.

oh and btw not all big boobs and big butt are flattering. there's this girl, she's skinny like crap, no boobs and no butt but she's well wanted by the dudes at my workplace.

and you can eat and eat. that's like HEAVEN.