Friday, May 28, 2010

Confessions of a Slim skinny Girl

Everyone wants beauty. Beautiful home, beautiful children, beautiful spouse, beautiful self...and it seems that there is this huge stereotype thinking that beauty is looking great and sexy. Great here means like that of the models; tall, curvy, skinny for the ladies...tough, six packs, tanned for the gents.

Almost everyone dreams of having skinny, slim figure. Some even starve themselves to death for it. It is as though it is a great accomplishment if you have such figure and that you will be beautiful if you are slim, and it is like the thing that can make many girls happy.

Well, it's not.

Not entirely. I've been slim and skinny for almost the rest of my life. I weigh 40kg and never put up even 1kg till now, despite that I eat a lot. On one side, I considered myself very fortunate for having a very competent and fast metabolism.I can eat a whole large pizza and never get worried of getting fat.And sometimes I smiled in pride when people compliment and said their envy of me for no need to bother undergoing diet or having to do strenuous exercise to keep my body slim, and how they wished they have my body instead.

But that's where they're wrong.

There is another side of the coin. While they are wanting to be slim like me, I so wanted to be curvy and have some flesh like them, instead of just skins and bones.Indeed, I like my body. But somehow I hope I can have just a little bit more. Being slim or skinny isn't all that fun. In my situation, despite that I can wear clothes that people can't get into, there are many situations where I want to wear clothes but couldn't because I'm just too small for it. Even if that clothes is size S. On my body, it looks like an L sized outfit. It is such a downer. I cannot do like what my sister and my friends always do when they go shopping; grab an outfit, and don't bother trying it on, because it's the common and normal size and fits them perfectly. I have to try it out, and in most situation it ends up back on the shelf because it is not my size.Just recently, I went out to buy baju kurung, but none fits me, despite that I really like some of them. I have to send it to a tailor, which will definitely cause more money than just buying a ready made one at the stores. It is very sad, and depressing for me. It makes me underestimate myself, thinking that I'm never looking good enough. It goes for other stuff. I cannot wear bracelets without having it altered, or buy rings from normal shops because none fits my boney fingers.

The saddest part of all is being teased and joked at. Sure, I never say anything, because I thought it as a joke. But frankly, it hurts. I got teased whenever I tried apparels; my friends will say: can you even fit in this? You look weird wearing it. The clothes are nice but it's not anymore when you wear them...and it goes on and on...People underestimate me when I volunteered to do something because of my size; are you sure you can do that?? better not, it's for your own good.... Excuse me, but I know my limits and my strength. And making fun of me is like a routine; be careful, you don't want to be blown away by the wind, don't wear that you look like you're shrinking, careful with the heels, you don't want to tumble up and break into pieces... And being a person vulnerable and prone to external influences, I grew up underestimating myself, feeling that I'm no good to do anything, or even capable to.I lost most of my confidence due to it. When I know I can do more, there's always a voice that crushed my spirit of proving myself to the world. Yes, I'm being pessimistic, an escapist and sensitive.

It's not that fun being skinny and slim. At all. Not fun. Don't get fooled by those models. Of course they are enjoying because they are being paid! And they are suffering to stay like that. But other people, ordinary people like us can enjoy as many food and delicacies there is in this world. So don't stupidly wished you are skinnier than what you are now, because this skinny girl would love so much to have that body of yours instead of a papan lapis figure. That is just what the media wants people to think, when you yourself are beautiful. Just put your head high and show off those beautiful curves...(i said this to myself everyday, yet, nothing changed)

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

No longer Black

I have some principles that I hope to hold on to for the rest of my life. Among them are no smoking or even try to, no drinking, no clubbing even if you have the chance, no betraying, and stay natural as the way God creates me. So far, those principles are still staying strong, which I have to say is a surprising and a good thing for someone who is easily influenced by anything that she finds interesting.

One of my principle is stay black. My hair that is...hope there's no misunderstanding there. hehe... yes, just like many other Asians, I have black hair, and proud of it. I seem to have this sort of thinking that black is the best colour of all. But that all changed when I set my eyes on purple. It was love at first sight, and eventually, black became number two. I used to wonder, why would anyone wants to colour their hair? Their original colour is beautiful enough. It matches with their eyes and skin tone. I used to think that those people are ungrateful and unsatisfied of what that has been given to them.

And today, I am one of them. It's no longer black. My black locks are no longer natural black like it has been for the past 22 years. I dyed my hair this evening, with the help from dearest mother. It was one new experience, I have to say. I didn't know dyeing your hair can be a messy thing to do. Not to mention the smell...ugh! I hate it!!! But in the end, I am satisfied with the result. I didn't get the exact result that I imagined in my head, but as long as people notice the colour, it's fine by me. It's not made permanently'll go off within 2 weeks from now.

Did I regret colouring it? Somewhat. Because I realised that one of the principles have been broken. But honestly, I felt more excited than being angry of myself. True, I made changes from what has been given, but it is not something permanent, like plastic surgery. Plus, I can still perform my prayers, so that lessen the anxiousness. I guess what was I thinking when I decided to do this was that it is not wrong to try something new. Perhaps this is my only time and chance to do it. Now that I have the opportunity, I don't see the reason why I should restrain myself from trying something beyond my expectation. Of course, many will disagree...thus I sincerely apologise if this view of mine is offensive.

So now, as I am writing this, I have burgundy hair...

Saturday, May 22, 2010

I know what I did Today

It feels so good to be able to go online. It reduces the boredom that is already existing inside of me. Everyday is the same routine; wake up, shower, eat, watch tv, pick up brother from school, and the same thought 'what i want to do today' in between every events.

Tomorrow, my aunt and I will be going back to Ipoh. Hopefully my laptop is fully fixed. And also hopefully the streamyx wireless at home is fixed. Need to download some forms for the one month practical. I hope everything goes smooth just as planned.

So today, apart from having sudden flu, in which i have been sneezing continuously since morning, we went shopping around KL!!! I enjoyed shopping, despite knowing the things that I have my eyes on hardly belongs to me at the end of the day. But today, I didn't really enjoyed it, mainly because of the flu. I slept in the car, and woke up still sneezing, which eventually caused my eyes to turn red and slighly swollen, giving me the look as though I have cried buckets of tears. And I hate throughout the time we walk around the city, because of its hot weather, dust everywhere, and yes, the flu.

Still, at the end of the day, it was a successful shopping. I got all that I planned to buy. We went to the textile shop first. Bought two black and white cloths. Planned to make a long dress out of the. Hopefully it can be done before I go to Sabah. Then, we explore Jalan TAR and bought some English Cotton cloths there. I bought one, since it was reasonably priced. Now that I have one, at least I don't have to worry much about what design to choose for Raya. LOL...too early to think about Raya right? Puasa pun tak habis ganti lagi, dah semangat nak kain buat baju raya...=p. We stopped by a cendol stall before we hit Sogo. And as all Malaysians have known, Sogo is one place where everyday is a sales day. Everytime we go there, there is always a sale. Dearest mother and aunts favourite place and a must to visit. As for me, being a vibrant and enthusiastic and charming teenager, I prefer places like KLCC, Mid Valley, One Utama, etc...i just like to go window shopping there. And visit Kinokuniya!!!!!! And watch movies!!!!! And hang out with my friends!!!

Anyway, in Sogo, i managed to get myself a new handbag!!!! Weeeee!!!!! Well, it's dearest mother who told me to go look for a new bag. A second bag for me to use during practical, according to her, because it seems that the bag that I have right now is not practicable or suitable enough to bring to my practial. Since it was on sale for 50%, i don't see the reason I should decline or restrain myself from having that bag...hehe....

At night, we watched Citrawarna. It was marvellous, colourful, energetic most of all, the feeling of peace, harmony and united. If only in reality we all have such spirit in our everyday life. No crisis, no blaming one another, no fighting, no racial conflicts, the world will be less painful.

p/s: looking forward to dye my hair. Burgundy is the colour!!!!! Can't wait!!!

Friday, May 21, 2010

snatch thieves go to hell!

it's been long since i last updated. For one reason is I don't have interesting ideas to write. Another reason is because the wireless Streamyx in my house got damaged due to lightning. For a moment I thought of stealing the lightning bolt, in the hopes that I can get to meet Zeus...until i realized i'm no Percy Jackson or any half blood!

Anyway, now that I'm in Kajang, my aunt's house, the wireless here is good, so now I have the opportunity to go online. I checked my facebook account, blogwalking, check my emails, downloading songs and videos and some other fun stuff you can do on the internet and not on tv.

Many things happen during the last couple of weeks. The biggest ever was what happened right in front of my house. My aunt became a victim of snatch thieves!!!!! The nerve of those jerks!!!!! It happened when the sun is right above the head..2 pm or so...and she was taking garbage outside...and all of a sudden two teenager arrived from nowhere in their red motorcycle and tried to snatch her necklace. And she didn't just give up, she fought them. But unfortunately, they managed to get the necklace. At that time, I was there, and I felt like such a loser and a no good for unable to get the necklace back. I felt like I was so weak and unable to do anything to prevent it from happening. I felt so depressed for the entire week, and until now I still feel guilty. If only i have more strength and be there earlier, all of this would've happened. I curse that two snatch thieves!!! I don't care what reason you have to do such disgusting act, it is just wrong to do that. There are so many other ways to make money, but becoming a snatch thief is not on the list.

There's nothing much to do during the holidays. Most of my friends are either working or somewhere across the ocean in some foreign countries. I thought of going to the movies but apparently there's not many interesting movies to watch, although I have my eyes on Robin Hood, the Bounty Hunter, IP Man and Shrek...i thought of watching Shrek with my little brother but it seems that my mother will disapprove because he'll be sitting for his exams next week.

I'm also counting the days to go for my practical in Sabah. And I have to say I'm more than nervous than excited. Excitement is there, because I get to travel as well as 'working' but at the same time I'm nervous. I just hope I won't be a big bother to my friend because I'll be staying with her and her family for the whole month. And oh! My siblings will be coming home from Egypt soon!!!! I miss them sooooo!!!!! Can't wait!!!!!!!! Hope everything goes well.

p/s: I'm dyeing my hair burgundy!!! surprisingly, instead of not letting me to, dearest mom is supporting enough...hehe...

Thursday, May 6, 2010


Last night I helped my little brother with his homework. Well, I was more watching him than helping him actually.As he was doing it with a forced face (because he wanted to watch the television), I sat next to him, with my headphones, watching Glee from my laptop. And of course, it distracted him, and he got lazier than before in getting his homework done.

He had 3 homeworks last night; maths, agama and BM. To me, that seems to be very little and can be done in less than one hour. Duh, since you were looking at a 10 year-old homework instead of your law assignments. My brother got lazier when it came to the last homework, because he had to copy back the essay draft to make it a complete essay format. As he wrote lazily, he said "kenapalah susah sangat homework ni? Apa la cikgu ni suruh orang salin balik semua,".

I smiled as I heard his whining. Apart from him looking and sounding so cute, it reminded me that was the same sort of dialogue I used to say when I was in school. I used to grumble and complained of teachers being so mean for giving us so many homeworks. Especially my maths teachers, who often gave us tonnes of calculations to be solved. Maybe that's why my maths isn't good enough, because I often complained about maths teachers than other teachers. At that time, I thought how nice would it be to not go to school anymore. No more teachers, no more assemblies, no more uniforms, just freedom! I thought at that time nothing sucks more than going to school.

My school badge...cantik tak?? hehe

I was a nerd back then. Probably still am a nerd. I was a librarian and a treasurer, and my mother's a teacher there. She even taught my class BM, so you can imagine how it was like to have your mother as a strict teacher. And I was a choir singer, and that was one of my sweetest memory. I wasn't so active in secondary school liek I used to when I was in primary school, where I was a scout and joined many camping activities and met many friends. The one very exciting thing I had was when I got selected to go to Japan under a student exchange programme.

Now that I left school and doing my degree, I started to realise how great school was. We have less the care in the world. We went to school sent by parents or by bus, and spent around7-8 hours there and go back home. We just have to study. Compared to now, everything is to be done by ourselves. And our studies doesn't stop when the lectures stop. We have to do further research for our assignments and tutorials, and tests and exams. Compared to school, we have to divide our study time with other activities. And we have so much opportunities to spend with our friends. I really miss school, and the teachers there, and how I wished I could turn back time to be there again.

So when I heard my brother said that, I smiled. One, because I thought about it the same way he did and it was proved wrong. Two, how he will react the same way I did when he is in my situation later on. At that time, I would probably be smiling seeing him whining over his assignments while I am busy with cases to be settled.

My beloved school...SM Convent Ipoh... Love you forever...

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Journey from the North

My legs are hurting...

So do my hands...

Like it's been pulled...strained...and I had to move them slowly...

It is as though I've completed the longest marathon ever.

When in fact...

It was all thanks to Tasik Dayang Bunting and Cable Car in Langkawi..

My friends and I just returned from a 3 days 2 nights stay from the legendary island. And it was one fun and memorable moments and experiences we had. We got to stay in a chalet by the Pantai Chenang seaside, and watching the picturesque view of the sunset was such a tranquil feeling. All the stress and mood swings and frustrations that we had vanished. And we had such fun playing with little seashells and watched them dig and hid themselves in the sand before the waves come and washed them away. We also went to Tasik Dayang Bunting, Pulau Beras Basah and went to watch eagle-feeding. Those eagles were magnificent!! And I took a dip at the Tasik. But getting there was a challenge, since it was a long way to go. Not to mention monkey attack. Luckily we didn't bring along any food. The water was refreshing, but due to my lack of skill in swimming (blame it on myself for not been training for a very long time), I didn't spend much time in it. At Pulau Beras Basah, we looked for seashells and played with the superbly soft-white sand.
We also went to ride the Cable Car. I enjoyed the ride, because I can see almost every part from the Island from up there. We thought it would be a simple journey to the bridge...dead wrong! It was one challenge. And due to lack of stamina and exercises, we woke up the next day with our legs and hands feeling cramped! Well, the hands were probably due to the swim.

To a friend of mine, cik miemi, who set foot on the island for the first time, it is indeed an interesting and unforgettable days for her. We bought so many chocolates for the first day, but most of them were eaten up by us and we went for a second trip to the same store on out last day there. Sampai orang kat situ tu pun buat muka pelik..ntah-ntah ni yang dia pikir..."diorang buat apa lagi kat sini? Bukan baru je ke datang?"...haha..well, we aint going to miss the chance to buy international chocolates with such affordable prices...when else will we be coming back here?

We rented a car to commute, so it gives us an extra challenge and adventure! The car...(Nissan Sentra ye...)liked to play tricks on us. Everyday, it will give us a hard time to unlock the door. And there was one time, the gearstick somehow got stuck! It couldn't be moved at all. And it was at night when that happened, so imagine how we 5 young, cute ladies felt at the time? Haha... And not forgetting the random roads and junction we spontaneously took because we were not so sure of the way to our destination. I don't know how many u-turns we had to make because of missing the right junction or taking the wrong way..hehe...But at least the signboards help...Kudos and cheers to cik zahid for being such a competent driver!!!

But the thing that I don't really like is the food. Expensive!!!!! Sangat tak puas hati nasi campur yang lauk biasa boleh sampai harga RM8.50! And perhaps due to the costly price, we hardly finished the food feeling full and satisfied. The weird thing is, I felt full just by eating High 5 bread with Tuna Spread for breakfast. Hmm....I guess it is the price that made the difference.

And oh...I had a most embarrassing moment in my life while staying there!! Just the thought of it makes my face turned beetroot red!!!! Argh!!!!!

The journey was wonderful. And I feel grateful that our plan for this trip has been fulfilled. =) Tomorrow, I'll be heading home, but instead of taking a ferry and be a passenger, I'll be taking my Saga car and have a 4 hour drive to Ipoh.

p/s: no pictures yet. later, if I feel like it...heh..

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Bloodstained Teddybear

The facts of the case:

There is this sweet couple. Loving and beautiful to look at. They've together for quite a long time. Everyday, the boy will give to her girlfriend a small teddybear. And the girl accepts it everytime with a smile. At that is the routine right from the first day. He never failed to give her everyday. Soon, the girl begins to question of his love for her. If he does sincerely loves her, why he never once says out the three magic words? Why he never said 'I love you'? It's not so hard to do. The sweetest thing that he ever did is the teddybear presents, which is already so many in her room. Then, one day, she decided to ask him the question. At the bus stop, she asked, "Why didn't you ever tell me that you love me? Since the first day we couple, you never once utter the word. I can't stop wondering because it makes me feel that I'm not the one for you and that you are not appreciating me as much as I appreciate and loves you,". The boy didn't answer her, but only gave her the teddybear that he have been giving for months. A bigger one this time. The girl, angry of not having her questioned answer threw it and it fell on the road. The boy was stunned, but he didn't say a word. He went to pick it, but unfortunately he didn't see a car coming fast, which knocked him down. Before he died, he managed to hand the teddybear to his dearest girlfriend. As the day passed, the girl felt truly lonely. She missed him so much. One day, she looked at the stack of teddybears he gave. She picked one and hugged it tight. As she hugged it, she heard "I love you". The girl stunned and look at the teddybear she had in her hands. She went to get the rest of them and hugged it tight... i love you ilove you i love you....and each one of it released out the word that she longed to hear from him. Finally, she took the bigger one, the one covered in bloodstains, the last one that he gave and pressed it hard..."My dearest, today marks a year of our relationship. And I have never been happier and blissful than I've ever been in my life. You bring out the best in me and brings along wonderful colours to my life. You are the most wonderful thing that ever happen to me. I love you darling girl, always and forever. As the words ended, she sat on her bed, crying her tears out, while her hands still etched on the teddybear.

Motive??? most of us relied too much on those three words in order to prove to someone that they are special. It is as though it is compulsory in ever occassion to say out those words. And it is as though a breach of the law of love if it is never expressly uttered. It is as though that those words determines all, whether you truly love the person or not. But I think, it is what we do together that matters most. We are focussing on how to create the most beautiful words to express our love that we neglect the big picture. We tried to be like Shakespeare when in reality we often forget about their favourites, their special dates, their dislikes.

I'm no love guru, or Love doctor and I'm far from being a successful lover. But I believe action speaks louder than words. It applies to all things. Sure, everyone can write down beautiful words, wonderful poetries...but talk is cheap. It is the conduct, the act and the concern that we received that illustrates their love for us. It is from their actions that we can see how much they care, concern and value us for being a part of their lives. Explanation for this is difficult, but we can definitely see it.

And, don't ask too much. and don't be selfish. Tolerance is what determines a relationship. We cannot expect it will go through the way we want. It doesn't mean that if our friend's lover texted every morning and every night, we too have to follow. Don't be influenced and don't ask for too much. We kept thinking of how unlucky for not having a romantic lover because he or she seldom test or wrote poetries or sing a song for us. What we don't see is that how they willing to wait for us for hours so they can eat together with us, how they willing to get wet in the rain because there's not much space for two in an umbrella, how they are willing to go to and fro from our place to send food and medications because we are too ill to go out, and how they are willing to put the effort in making a memorable surprise birthday or buy us things that we've wanted. A simple random act of them can defeat a thousand words written by the world's best love author. It defines and explains everything. Of how much they love us, and how much they want us to be their husband or wife. Instead of saying it, they show it to us.

So, appreciate everything that they do, even if it seems to be a small matter to our eyes. Be grateful of having a person who loves you like or perhaps more that life itself. Accept who they are, regardless of how weird or ordinary they might be. Because it is highly likely that their differences and weirdness is the reason to why we love them.