This post is unnecessary to be written down. So, please ignore it the soon you read the title.
But if you still insist on reading it...well...just get ready a pillow next to you, coz it is going to be a long and boring journey reading it. Or, standby your mouse at the 'x' button, so you can just delete the page when you don't want to continue reading.
Nowadays...dearest mom often ask me a jackpot question. (soklan cepu emas la ckp melayu).
"Ada kwn baru ke?"
I thought she meant new friend as in new friend I met somewhere. But nope. The new friend referes to the other category of new friend. (kalo xphm..xpe..heh).
And I firmly said "nope, no new ones. Just old, annoying ones. Haha!"
I thought that'll be the end, but dearest mom continued asking "why? it's fine if you have one now. It's normal at your age"
Hmm...I just replied that I don't intend to find one at this stage of age. Plus learning from the past, I think I'm not suitable to be involved in this issue. And for many reasons too. Here are a couple of them:
Yup, that's the word. I get paranoid easily. Cepat serik la sng ckp. Past experience didn't end well, so I'm afraid that if I start a new one, it'll end the same.
The one that I find i very hard to make friends with. I know it is just a mere couple thing, but still, it involves people and their feelings. I don't like hurting and disappointing people as much as I don't like people to disappoint and hurting me. When relationship starts, the commitment is there, regardless of how serious it is. And I'm sure every couple who starts a relationship will want it as much as possible to end up getting married, right? If not, then too bad, that is an inconsiderate way to treat people, for giving them hopes and destrying them. Of course, it's not wrong to try, but as for me, I think I prefer to stay solo and only decide to commit until I'm sure I can give my best commitment to him.
3. L.O.V.I.N.G Y.O.U.R.S T.R.U.L.Y.
How can I expect a person to love and value me wholeheartedly if I don't do the same to myself first and foremost? Truth to be told, I don't fully love myself. I still sighed of the shortcomings that I have and always feel that my specialties are not special enough. I don't see myse;f as special. I don't value myself enough. Most of the times I dream of being someone else not knowing what is still hidden inside of me. I see myself as an earthworm and not a butterfly. It is only by loving yourself fully that will make the difference. People will see, if we cannot. And perhaps among those people, one will see us as the brightest star that sparkles the most.
To know a person is loving us sincerely is very difficult. How will we know that every single words uttered are from the very bottom of their hearts? Everyone wants a sincere person to be by their side. That includes me. A person who accepts us as who we are, who sees our invisible us among the outstanding ones, are what everyone wish for. Nobody wants a person who only see us when there's no one else around, who only calls when they are bored, who only finds us when nobody else are willing to listen or to help. Nobody...NOBODY... wants to be treated as a doormat, as a thing to be filled in the blanks when needed, as a replacement for something they cannot get. We have our pride. We are worth more, so much more than that.
I know I sound ambitious, too ambitious in fact. The world is so not like what I want it to be. And to have a partner like listed above, can only be found in fantasyland. And I know I act like an escapist, a coward for not being brave enough to explore and take the risk and learn from mistakes. Believe me, I had. And I'd rather take risks on things much more valuable and priceless and learn the bittersweet of the world from the journey with myself instead of taking it from a person who barely teach me anything aside from fooling with love and feelings without appreciating and respecting me as a human with a clear mind, and a heart chock full of emotions.