ka-ching!

I don't like asking money from my parents.

Don't like it one bit.

For one thing, I know that money don't grow on trees. Like you can just pluck it from any tree you found on your way and use it for your needs. Hell no, it doesn't work or made that way. And another thing I understand how hard it is to earn money, and how easy it is it slips out from your hands. More slippery than any soap or eels in the ocean (bad examples...what the heck eh?) How easy to spend them all in a day. In some cases involving shopaholics, half a day, maybe. I'd like to make my own money and use it for my own personal use. But it's kind of difficult to do that since I'm studying and my parents don't allow me to work while studying. Still, I had a small online business selling clothes, where I form a partnership with one of my classmates. The profit is not much but it's okay, it's satisfactory. I'm really bad in math, so I don't really know how to juggle with money, maybe if I have some skills, we can have more profit...heh.. And my parents know nothing about this. Yet. Hopefully they won't find out.

But still, I have to admit, and I'm kinda ashamed to admit that I still have to depend on them whenever the loan money's amount is getting smaller. Ain't no cheap books in law studies. With thick books come big value, and plus with all daily needs and assignments and notes, and with the fees deducted from the loan, I have to say that students receiving ptptn loans aren't 'rich' after all. They're only rich in the first few months.

I always try to avoid asking for money. Even when there's only RM50 or in my worst case scenarion RM10 left in my bank account. I just don't like the feeling of guilt and awkwardness that I feel whenever I asked them for it. It's a very unpleasant feeling. But then, when they found out I have no sufficient amount of cash needed for a month stay here, they got angry for me not telling. And eventhough my intention is that i don't want to always be a burden, they say it's no burden at all, since it is their responsibility.

I cannot take it for granted now, can I? yeah, it's a responsibility but I can't just use that as an excuse. I tried saving the money, but it always failed. I don't really spend a lot now compared to the past, but still I find myself in shortage of money. All that I ever spend mostly on is food. I can't study if I don't eat. And when I study more, the quicker I get hungry, and the food supplies just finish faster than usual. Other than that, I've been restraining myself real hard not to buy other things.

People always say money can't buy happiness. But in this time, in this type of world we're living right now, that phrase is no longer completely correct. You can't be happy knowing that you don't have enough money to support the family. And you feel really bad to ask from your parents despite the fact that you really need it. In my way of seeing things, even if they already gave me, I feel bad inside knowing that the money they gave could've been used for my younger siblings who need it more than I do.

for those who think that i'm trying to be a goodie goodie girl, i'm not. I'm really feeling effing *fucking* miserable and guilty right now.