Monday, February 15, 2010

Mode: jiwang

Tetiber plak berjiwa sentimental...

As far as I can recall, it's been 3 years since my last relationship. It ended after one and a half year, and to tell the truth, apart from being devastated and heartbroken, I took the breakup rather in a positive way. Somehow, I felt relieved. Relieved for finally stop being someone I'm not, from being pretentious and from lying to myself and to him. Perhaps it was because I didn't feel as much love towards him as I did in the beginning of the relationship. Ye la...masa mula2 tu semua manis, semua cantik, bahagia sentiasa... And also because the breakup happened mutually, both he and I agreed to end it seeing that it may not go far. I thought of putting distance as another reason, but I think that is not one of the roots of the problem.

So, eversince that, I hardly find myself getting involved and getting myself interested in searching or starting for a new relationship. One thing that effects me as a result of the breakup is that I find myself having commitment issues. After the breakup, I had a lot of time reflecting and getting to know myself, something I should've done a long time ago. And I realized that I'm a person who gets bored easily and easily dissatisfied. I tend to compare things that I have with another person's. Which is not good. Really not good. I felt free after the breakup, and I have more time with myself and friends, where I used the chance to do things that I've always wanted to do. I prefer to stay single and try to achieve the dreams and ambitions as many as I can until the time comes for me to settle down

But the problem is, I'm afraid to settle down. Again, the issue is COMMITMENT. Not that I'm against the idea of marriage, but I'm afraid I cannot give my all or my best to my partner. Marriage is serious business, it's not like couple, where you can break up when you want to. Marriage is sacred, and it is supposed to be a relationship made in heaven. I don't want it to end up in hell. I'm afraid I will fail my duty as a wife and as a mother if I ever get married.

Now, life is so far so good. I have friends and family that supports me in most times. And I have done many things that I didn't expect I could. It was an adventurous and fun journey so far. Of course, it's not because of being single. I mean, you can be happy and do many things too despite that you are in a relationship. What I mean is that I have the time to explore myself. And instead of paying attention to another person, I start to love myself more. Something which I think is the most important thing to do first, before we are capable of loving and being in love.

Nevertheless, I don't deny the fact of missing the feeling of being in love. Love is a beautiful thing, and can make you be the most greatest or the most beautiful person ever. I miss of receiving sweet messages, or having long hours call at night, or having a person to nag, or to share problems with. I miss of feeling blissful that I'm loving a wonderful person who loves me back. Well, there are a few crushes here and there, but that's just what they can be; crushes. They don't share the same feeling as you do towards them and in most case, they don't know that we like them.

I just hope that when Mr. Right comes, he is the one who can lead me to a better path than where I am standing at now. The one who accepts me as ordinary as I am and the one who notice my dull self amongst all the outstanding ones. But to have a person like that, I have to find my own sparkles first.

p/s: this post is written in conjunction of Valentine's Day. And this is dedicated to all my friends who have found their love. I have nothing but happiness to each and every one of you. Kahwin nnti jgn lupe jemput ye...hehe..

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