"when Allah knows you're ready for the responsibility of commitment, he'll reveal the right person under the right circumstances. Wait patiently. Don't waste your time searching and wishing. Grow and be ready, you'll see Allah will give you a love story far better than you could ever dream of"

I got this from this wonderful tumblr blog. The words makes me feel more certain and sure of myself. It makes me feel more relieved. And it makes me feel that it is a good thing and answers the question to why I am still single. I feel more assured with myself as a single girl.

I do need more time. I do need to grow up and to be more matured. Allah knows far better than me that I am so not ready yet to start another relationship. Of course, there's crushes here and there, but none sparks the intention inside of me to be in a relationship.

I still have doubts about having commitments. Maybe to some it's okay to have some relationships before getting completely serious on only one. But I don't think I can be that person. I am still feeling insecure about myself. Time is needed for me to love myself more before I can love someone else. If I ever want to be in a relationship again, I'd want it to be the right one.

hello love

Salam Maal Hijrah to all!

Hope it's not too late to wish...(padahal baru masuk hari kedua bulan Muharam)
bila dengar Muharam teringat pulak kat Ahmad Albab and the dialogue:
"Ni Muharam? Muka pun macam bulan,"

hahaha...time tu i don't really know the relation of the month of Muharam and why he said the dude's face is like a moon...budak kecik mana faham sangat...kalau faham pun malas nak explain...heh

So, it's the new beginning in the Islamic calendar. It's a shame, I know the months and number of days from January till December, but I don't have such similar knowledge and awareness towards the Islamic calendar. I only know it is from Muharam till Zulhijjah but don't have a clue how many days that one month consist of...

Anyways, a new year means new resolutions...
I don't really do new year resolutions, be it in the early month of January or even in Muharam, because I have this awareness and consciousness in myself that I won't be able to carry the resolutions that I made and having it fulfilled. Not that I haven't tried, it just didn't work successfully as I anticipated.

But I decided to do a few resolutions this year...
consider it as an experiment...whether I'm committed enough in doing what I planned to do.
I'd like to consider this resolutions I'm about to make as a self improvement.
Of course, some have resolutions to be more social friendly and saving the world and all that, but I realised I have issues with myself. How I feel so insecure about myself and how most of the time I don't appreciate and underestimate my own capabilities.
How can I have people to respect me and to treat me well when I don't do so towards myself right?

So, here are the so-called resolutions:
-be more honest to yourself. If something's not cool, admit it. Don't pretend and make a sunny teletubby cheerful face saying that 'it's alright' when deep down you find it otherwise.
-be more open or liberal. In the context of expressing your thoughts and feeling. Don't think what others will think if you say what u want to say.
-reduce the procrastination attitude. Let's be honest. I don't think I can erase permanently that attitude. But at least I can force myself to reduce it.
-please be more industrious. In managing myself, particularly. hahaha... I was thinking of my laundry waiting to be washed and my study table waiting to be tidy up as I'm writing this. Yeah, I'm bad in doing household chores.
-Control your expenses. This, I can say I managed to deal with it well already... Quite well.
-Don't be a gossipy bitch. Hahaha...I don't want to be a hypocrite. I gossip. Talk behind backs too. A friend of mind even said that I can make a blog like that in Gossip Girl. And this is one resolution I really want it to be fulfilled.
-Optimism is key. I find it very hard to stay positive. Even when I manage to be one, at the end of the day, there's always something that rinse it all off from me. Damn, my confidence is still at a moderate level. And I don't want it to stay like this forever.

Well, those are the resolutions. Sort of. I believe I still have some that I don't put it down here, but i cant seem to recall them. Oh well, these 6 resolutions alone will be difficult to fulfilled. I think I should take it one step at a time.
yeah, no resolutions mentioning about relationships or whatsoever. Not really my primary concern right now.
I think that until I manage to really like and love and be satisfied with every aspects of my body inside and out, that particular matter is to be put on hold. Probably for quite a long time. (sorry mom, if you ask about 'any special friend' again, my answer will still be negative... =p)

ka-ching!

I don't like asking money from my parents.

Don't like it one bit.

For one thing, I know that money don't grow on trees. Like you can just pluck it from any tree you found on your way and use it for your needs. Hell no, it doesn't work or made that way. And another thing I understand how hard it is to earn money, and how easy it is it slips out from your hands. More slippery than any soap or eels in the ocean (bad examples...what the heck eh?) How easy to spend them all in a day. In some cases involving shopaholics, half a day, maybe. I'd like to make my own money and use it for my own personal use. But it's kind of difficult to do that since I'm studying and my parents don't allow me to work while studying. Still, I had a small online business selling clothes, where I form a partnership with one of my classmates. The profit is not much but it's okay, it's satisfactory. I'm really bad in math, so I don't really know how to juggle with money, maybe if I have some skills, we can have more profit...heh.. And my parents know nothing about this. Yet. Hopefully they won't find out.

But still, I have to admit, and I'm kinda ashamed to admit that I still have to depend on them whenever the loan money's amount is getting smaller. Ain't no cheap books in law studies. With thick books come big value, and plus with all daily needs and assignments and notes, and with the fees deducted from the loan, I have to say that students receiving ptptn loans aren't 'rich' after all. They're only rich in the first few months.

I always try to avoid asking for money. Even when there's only RM50 or in my worst case scenarion RM10 left in my bank account. I just don't like the feeling of guilt and awkwardness that I feel whenever I asked them for it. It's a very unpleasant feeling. But then, when they found out I have no sufficient amount of cash needed for a month stay here, they got angry for me not telling. And eventhough my intention is that i don't want to always be a burden, they say it's no burden at all, since it is their responsibility.

I cannot take it for granted now, can I? yeah, it's a responsibility but I can't just use that as an excuse. I tried saving the money, but it always failed. I don't really spend a lot now compared to the past, but still I find myself in shortage of money. All that I ever spend mostly on is food. I can't study if I don't eat. And when I study more, the quicker I get hungry, and the food supplies just finish faster than usual. Other than that, I've been restraining myself real hard not to buy other things.

People always say money can't buy happiness. But in this time, in this type of world we're living right now, that phrase is no longer completely correct. You can't be happy knowing that you don't have enough money to support the family. And you feel really bad to ask from your parents despite the fact that you really need it. In my way of seeing things, even if they already gave me, I feel bad inside knowing that the money they gave could've been used for my younger siblings who need it more than I do.

for those who think that i'm trying to be a goodie goodie girl, i'm not. I'm really feeling effing *fucking* miserable and guilty right now.

cramped!

i'm having a love-hate relationship with my civil procedure subject.

i hate it for being so complicated, but i have to give attention to it as it gives an influence on my result this semester.

One part of me said 'padan muka, sapa suruh baca last minute!'
But another part of me, the bigger part i think said that regardless if i started a week or two weeks early, i'm going to have the same situation. that's just how my mind works. unlike evidence or jurisprudence where u can read the notes and create your own words to make it more understanding and easier to remember for the exams, civil procedure is all about procedure. you miss one step, the whole thing is wrong or unacceptable...coz that's not the way it works in practice.

At least evidence or jurisprudence u can goreng-goreng your answers as long as the message is there...
My mind never felt tired and heavy like this before. I had to stop and rest or I might spontaneously shout my heart out or just pass out in the room alone...now i kinda understand what it means when people say they have 'mind fatigue'!

So now, to sort of rest or cool down my brain from accepting too much load, I'm writing this post while listening to some sentimental music...josh groban, enya, and whatever songs I have in my laptop. Thought of listening to classical music that I have, but they sound sad and gloomy, not suitable enough. And I'll be watching some Shin Chan or My Wife and Kids to make me laugh....hope it helps to lessen the tense....haha....

I don't really care about doing excellent for this paper right now, all I want is to get this damn paper over and I can go out and watch movies and splurge with my friends right after it ends!

civil procedure mcm chipsmore.

civil procedure is no joke people!
it is one hell of one complicated flow of procedures...and i just dont get it why they have to be that lengthy and complicated....
anakonda berlingkar pun tak secomplicated mcm procedure ni...
really gets me on my nerves...u know why?
because everytime i'm done with one step, and moving to the next one, i have the thought that i got the former locked safely in my memory box...
IT DIDN'T!
it managed to escape itself right after i divert my attention to the second and upcoming steps...like a cheeky little invisible mouse!
and i have to read them all over again...only to find out in the end that it is back to square one.
doesn't really make sense, i know
but what the heck.
i'm writing this down anyway, just to keep my eyes awake...gotta really squeeze everything inside by force, because tomorrow's the paper!
damn!
just as i thought i'm gonna do this paper better to cover up the previous three that i screwed up badly.
Guess this paper's going to be in that category too!
there goes my intention of doing my masters abroad...huhuhu...(picturing UK or US as I'm writing this down... ='(
oh well, what to do
ini je la yang boleh aku cakap: dah tak ada rezeki nak pergi belajar oversea...
sumpah statement pasrah!

p/s: why chipsmore? chipsmore kan sekejap ada, sekejap takde. Civil procedure ni pun lebih kurang la...sekejap ingat, sekejap lupa...or should i say; sekejap ingat, terus lupa!

issue la sangat

credit from here

Hahaha....read that statement already? I felt the need to post about this coz it somehow relates to the issue I'm about to write about. (ayat macam isu serius je...heh...=p)

Well, took this from my tumblr blog. Asalnya aku amik dari sini, tapi aku reblog balik, so it doesn't really make a difference. The best thing about tumblr is that you dont have to bother thinking of how to write about something that shows the readers your exact emotion. Just grab a picture or quote and reblog it. After all, a picture speaks a thousand words, so jimat la masa nak tulis-tulis.

So this was regarding last holiday at home during Aidiladha. Time tu aku baru balik. Malam sebelum raya tu, tengah tlg cuci pinggan mangkuk periuk belanga semua...when dearest mum posed the question:

"Ada special friend ke?"

Eleh, mak aku ni nak tanya soalan cover-cover...cakap je la boyfriend, nak special friend bagai...hahaha....unexpected question. Ye la...time tengah cuci pinggan, tetiber tanya pasal tu. Tak ada kaitan pun. Kalau tanya pasal makan apa kat kolej time banjir tu ada la kaitan jugak..hee~

So aku pn jawab dengan jujurnya, "Takde pun." And she replied "Ye ke?" macam style adik aku selalu buat...pnjng skit harakat time dia ckp 'ye ke' tu....hahaha....so i affirmed the answer. Tambah lagi ckp "takde orang nak", hahahahahaha....ye la...unless you are one feminine girl who doesn't walk like a dude. heh heh...and thankfully after that answer my mum kept quiet.

In relation to the statement above, I have to say that I'm in an exception case. That is when I read the statement written, NOBODY comes across my mind. Zero. The only think that crossed my mind is "who? siapa yang aku love?" macam orang blur giler.

I understand and know the reason why my mum asked that question. Bukan sekali tu je, malam esoknya pun dia tanya benda yang sama. She's worried. I'm in my 20's and don't have a special someone. Sekarang ni pun, dah ada dah kawan-kawan yang dah kahwin, dah bertunang semua. Padahal time muda-muda time sekolah dulu, diorang la yang buat group 'single forever'. hehe...Well, I think that it is not something to be so worried about. Of course, nobody wants to be alone, and no parent wants to see their children spend their lives alone in an empty house with cats as partners. And personally I don't mind being single. Not sure that is a good thing or a bad thing. I think it's because I don't have the courage to start another relationship, fear that it will be the wrong one all over again. Also, selagi aku rasa aku tak boleh jadi the best person i can be, selagi tu la tak teringin to be in a committed relationship. Sekarang ni pun, my self disciplined is not at a good level. Ibadah aku pun kurang lagi, banyak lagi aku nak kena belajar and ingat compared to other people. Alang-alang nak jadi someone's partner tu, jadi la yang terbaik, so takde la orang rasa regretful and not many issues will rise. That is how i think.

Tipu la kalau aku cakap aku tak pernah minat kat sapa-sapa. Nobody is 'love proof' ok. When it comes to the matters of the heart, no one is immune regardless of how cold or how cruel the attitude is. Kalau kejam kat manusia, mungkin dia sayang kat benda lain. Tu love la jugak tu kan? =p but minat tu tinggal minat macam tu je la. Just a crush. A crush which I think is not what true love is, although love can be blossomed from there, the possibility aren't many.

So, that's the issue. Takde la besar sangat pun, but I felt to write about this because it made me realized that I am now no longer in the adult teen environment. I'm getting nearer to real adulthood, where family, career and future are something serious that need to be paid attention to. Sekarang ni takde dah masa sangat nak tengok Shin Chan hari sabtu pukul 7. Tak boleh sangat dah nak main-main or buat gila-gila depan orang tanpa rasa segan. And tak boleh dah nak depend kat parents untuk tolong selesaikan masalah yang kita buat secara sengaja atau tak sengaja.

p/s: to dearest mum, kalau jodoh tu lancar ada la tu. In the mean time, I'll try o improve myself. And kalau nak sangat ada grandchild, doa-doakan la jodoh adik-adik cepat sampai. Tak kisah diorang langkah bendul! LOL!

exam banjir unstoppable

had 3 exams consecutively...
what a great way to welcome the exam month
needless to say that i am not fully satisfied with my answers
a normal expression from someone who studied last minute...hehe

keadaan ni slalu terjadi: soalan mcm pernah baca tapi tak ingat yang mana satu. Time tu mula la geram and marah kat didri sendiri sebab baca last minute. At the end of exam, mcm menyesal pulak and mula pikir 'kalau aku baca lebih awal sikit, mesti boleh jawab'
hahahha...

anyways, the three days dont just past without nothing...some interesting events occurred...which I dont know whether to consider it as a blessing or a challenge...(cobaan...!)

DAY 1
-it started with nervous and total unprepared-for-exam feeling. while waiting to enter the exam hall, received news that i had a flat tyre! Didint know about it at all..and i drove 3 km from college to campus with a flat tyre at my front passenger seat! hahaha.... Got distracted of course, and after the exam ended, I was so rushing to check on my car that I left all my notes! Tengah bingung nak pikir camne nak repair tayar...then suddenly help appeared! Two foreign students saw us sturggling to change the flat tyre and offered to help. Bless them!!! Felt so thankful indeed. kalau tak mau berjam-jam kitorang kat situ nak tunggu tuakr tayar...perempuan katakan...tak sama kekuatan dgn laki...huhu....after it was done, I straight away went to the nearest workshop and have the tyre fixed and mended. To the two guys...I didnt get to know your name and didnt get to repay you, but i will remember you for your kindness and sincerity to help. Allah je la yang boleh balas jasa korg berdua! =)

DAY 2
-Nothing interesting happened here. Only that the questions that came out are rather unexpected! frust jugak time jawab exam. lepas tu mula la buat kiraan congak tengok brapa byk markah hilang....huhu...sumpah gaya orang pasrah...haha...the day ended with nothing interesting or unexpected happened. But I got kinda paranoid after the flat tyre incident, that I checked all tyres before driving.

DAY 3
-perhaps the exam where I crapped on my answer sheet the most! Hello, its jurisprudence. And I know it's an interesting subject, but considering I just gone through 2 law papers; evidence and professional practice, the effect is not doing good for my memory. Despite reading many time, I cant seem to make the point stick in my memory for at least until the end of the exam. But I tried to soothe my feeling, saying to myself that it is jurisprudence, that there is no one definite answer...hahahaha...(another 'pasrah' expression). After the exam, we decided to go catch Harry Potter movie (yeah, I havent watch it yet!) but then the cinema has not released the movie until this coming thursday...whaaa??!!) abut i still want to go out, at elast out from the uum and changlun territory. Plus I have things to buy, so we headed to Jitra. Had KFC for lunch and spontaneously decided to watch 'Unstoppable'. In my opinion, that movie was worth my RM10...hehe...ok la tu. Takde la boring sampai aku tertido ternganga dalam panggung wayang...lol!). We drove back to college after shopping for food and other necessary items. On the way, it started to rain. I already guessed that, seeing the sky was gloomy. But what I didnt realise was that as we were about to reach college, we had to stop. Why? Road closed due to flood! Air bertakung sampai paras lutut!!! It seemed that it has been raining for like 4 hours in uum and changlun area. (ingatkan hujan kt jitra sebab fenny nyanyi...lol!) So we patah balik and went to campus instead. Punya la risau tak dapt balik kolej, sampai plan nak bermalam kt uni inn...dlm hati masing2 risau sebab tak cukup moolah! huhuhu....after an hour or so, we decided to drive back, hoping that the road is cleared. Alhamdulillah, jalan boleh lalu, and we reached college safely. Experience yang challenging sangat.

Now, there's 3 more papers left before the declaration of independance can be made. Hope I wont screw up the remaining paper as I screwed the previous three!

sekarang ni tengah pening kepala sebab kena hujan. Banyak lagi nak cerita sebenarnya, tapi tulis sampai sini je la. Ni pun dah panjang, tak larat nanti nak baca... Lol!