my granny my opah

Everyone has a granny. At least one. Some have one, two, three and even four grannies! (poligamy ler ni..haha!). Like me, I have two grannies. But I'd like to express more on my granny on my father's side. We call her opah.


It's still clear in my mind that when I was small, I sometimes sat next to opah and told her evrything that I could think of. And since I was a bookworm at that time, I used to tell her stories and fun facts that I read. I remembered telling her that papayas have lots of vitamin c that can heal an injured wound or a cut. I told her anything without really bother whether she really listened and being attentive or not. But actually, she did. She listened and remembered some of those that I told her. She even told me that she ate some papayas and it was true that it cured her wound. She was attentive to my words and acts.


Now, things are different. Opah hardly remembers. Not because she doesn't want to, but she cannot. Opah has becoming forgetful. She finds it difficult to find her keys. She forgets where she keeps her money. She couldn't recall whether she has eaten or not. She even forgets where she placed her glasses, when she is actually wearing it. She has become more sensitive too. She gets offended easily. My family, uncle and aunt have tried to persuade her to come and live with us, but she refused. She doesn't want to leave her house empty. The house has kept so much memories that she can ever recall.


Now, I'm studying at a university far north. I hardly visits and see her. I no longer sits next to her and told her stories and experiences that I've encounteres. I feel really guilty for not being able to accompany her and entertain her as I used to. Dear opah, I'm really sorry for not spending time with as much as you have spent your time with me and my siblings when we were young. I'm sorry that I wasn't so attentive and concern of your health and your whereabouts. And I'm sorry that I cannot do anything to help you reduce your forgetfulness. I pray for you to always be healthy and happy. And I want you to know that I love you very much and I remember you every day although I don't always see, visits and talk to you. Love you, granny.

Learning loving the law

I planned to blog about this the night I've arrived back in ipoh. But it seemed that the journey back from uum has made me exhausted.


That night, after tarawikh with my family, I was given a question by my parents. It wasn't a complicated question but it took me a long time to give the best answer to it. And it got me thinking a lot about it.

"What's your future plan? Nak jadi apa lepas grad?"


It was a simple straight forwarded question which I could answer directly and confidently. But instead, I stunned. In my head there were numerous types of job that I could think of, but none of those were not what I really want to do as a future career.

"I don't know yet" That is the only answer I could give. And as a result I received an extra lecture for my unsureness.


It got me thinking far back from where it all started. After the SPM. I didn't get any offers from any of the applications I sent. That was a frustrating moment as I really want to further my studies. Then fate has it that I got accepted into the UiTM law foundation programme. My aunt excitedly called in early morning.
"kitak dapat asasi law uitm"
"HAAA??!!'

At that time I was anything but happy and excited. Law wasn't my choice at all! buT I still go through it since that is the only choice I have. It has been 3 years now I hold the title as a law student. Some may think that I have started to be interested in this course and is able to think of my future career.


The truth is, I don't know. I don't know that all the studying and doing the assignment the best as I can is actually for the benefit of the future or just to earn a good pointer and CGPA. It really terrifies me that I don't remember all that has been thought and studied since I first started. What will happen when I start to work? It'll be a disgrace to myself and family for not being able to be a good legal practitioner. What's the point of studying if u don't remember anything?


Seriously, I'm terrified whenever I thought of this. I planned to further Masters right after degree but what will I do after that? Like my father said "u can't just study forever". I can't seem to find my ideal career yet. I am yet to find my true calling. I just hope that the time will come when I am finally certain and determined to make one job as my fixed career.

do you think so?

If you love somebody, there is nothing happier than to see the beautiful smile on their faces knowing that they are having wonderful and happy moments of their life. But how can we know if the person is happy and blissful?

To those fortunate and lucky souls out there who have found their dearest person, it is quite easy to tell, and considering that they always keep in touch with each other. The least they are able to do if they cannot see each other everyday is making a phone call or at least a simple yet caring text message; to show that they are remembered and cared for. (ceh, cam jiwang semacam jer!)

Nevertheless, there are some who are not so lucky. Why? Well, probably because they are still putting hopes and faith on the person whom they adore to feel the same way as they do. Perhaps these individuals are not so lucky to be involved to a person who doesn’t share the same feeling. It can come from various reasons. Maybe the person they love hates them instead of liking, maybe the person they love belongs to someone else, and there are also a situation where the person they love is no longer around (this is up to your interpretations on the meaning of ‘no longer around’). It is a hurtful emotion to bear with. I know because I’ve been in the situation where the cupid is not really on my side.

But what can we do? Emotion is not something we can force people to have. We can force a person to laugh, cry, sleep and even eat but to love is rather impossible. Of course, for some people who like the person so much (a.k.a obsessed) will try their best to impress and create the attention. Some will act the way that they know the person likes, some often send things regardless of how costly it is and some are really brave that they really show the person that they like them, despite the fact that they are aware that what they do is either not replied or ignored. So, just like the phrase written earlier. If we adore and love a person, nothing is happier than to see them happy.

It doesn’t mean that we have to be with him/her just to make them happy. It’s enough to see from far that they are valuing their life and living it to the fullest. Of course, it is sad for not having the chance to share the happiness together but that is not a big matter. If the person belongs to someone else, as long as they are happy with it, we can be happy too. If the person is no longer around, their memories and their image will make us happy just by thinking of it. If the person hates instead of liking, let them be. At least we are on the winning side because nothing good hardly comes from hating people. Perhaps we can be with them y being a really good and supporting friend. A friend is an important person already. There are some things that only a friend can understand regardless of how small those little things are. So, since we are unable to share what we want to with the person we love why not we share the certain little things that they want to share. Who knows, maybe this simple act of kindness and care will give a handsome reward in future.

Which Is Better?

Is it better to ignore or better to show? Is it better to hate than to love? Is it better to be nonchalant than to care?

Those are some of the questions that I often heard from. Among those, there is one that I thought of it myself. Another one is asked from somebody and the other one is just merely written. It seems that not many people asked about this, since this is not an important issue to be taken notice or to be concerned of.

I think it all depends on the situation. There are numerous situations that we can choose from. Since I am currently in an emotional and numb mood, I prefer to talk it on human relationships. It is up to you, either to precede reading or just leave it knowing that it will be another boring story of me and my sighing on what is happening in my life. I’m not really good in expressing my anger, sadness in a normal shouting or talking to other people way. Perhaps it’s because of my difficulties in trusting people and perhaps it is because I think this problem of mine isn’t worthy to be released as such. So, since the emotion is still rumbling inside, I prefer to write down on how I feel and think on certain issue or certain things.

Back to the topic. Is it better to ignore than to show that we are concern about a particular person. To some, most of them will say that it should be shown. Perhaps it is their situation that allows them to do as such. Nevertheless, to some, they prefer to keep silent and ignorant. They prefer to pretend not to know than to actually show their concern. Why do they do this? Well, there are numerous reasons why. One of it is maybe because of it is the nature of the person itself unable to show the concern side of them. Another reason is perhaps the person whom they are concern and care for isn’t the one worth the care. The other reason is maybe because the person concerned itself knows that it is pointless to be caring and concern for a person that probably has no idea of their existence.

I think what I wrote here is kinda confusing. Maybe I can elaborate more. The person who concerns hereinafter referred to as A while the person whom they concerns for will be referred to B. What I mean is that perhaps A chose to be ignorant because they knew that their concern over B is useless and pointless. Why? Most probably is because B does not share the same sort of emotion and care for A. It is as though the person has an unreplied message from the person that they care. Why waste time for a person who doesn’t even care on anything about us? It sounds cruel but it’s better that way than to be concerned but in the end finding it to be pointless because B does not appreciate or value or remember any of it.

I wish to write more on this but right now, I’m feeling a little bit under the weather. Or maybe I’m just sleepy. Haha! Anyways, this is all I can say for now. I will write on a second series if I ever find myself able to write it down in an easier and more understanding way. But for now, I bid adieu to all.

Money or Impression?

I went out to survey for bridal shop today. No, not for my wedding purposes. Haha!! It’s for my family law assignment. We are given the task to make a portfolio of a wedding, and it is to be divided according to religion. So, since my class has many Muslim groups, we decided to focus on the customary or the ‘adat’ of the wedding according to the states of the so called married couple. And of course, we chose the one that is not so common in class. The bridegroom is based on Kedah adat (well, we have no choice since he is the only guy in our group) and the bride is from the state of Sabah! Once they wanted me to be the bride since I’m from Sarawak, but it got rejected in the end in order to keep peace and harmony of the group and to prevent any catfights that can cause major problem to the group. Hahahah

Ok, since I’m running too much away from the topic, lets go back to what I’m really trying to say here. So, we went to this particular bridal store, since we had the card and based on what they told during their promotion, it seems to us that their price is reasonable. We told them that we decided to have a photo shoot at the studio itself, and all we want from them is some wedding props and the ‘pelamin’. And we told them that we are using our own camera to capture the ‘moment’. Haha! So, we waited for the manlady doing the calculation of the price and he said slowly and steadily “RM650”. I was like wha??? Then my friend asked what about if we just use the pelamin and not their wedding gowns, how much will it cost? Again, slowly and steadily “RM2++” and again I was like WHA??? So, we said in a civil way ‘ok, kitorg discuss dulu, nanti kitorg call balik untuk confirm’, but actually deep down inside we were like lets get out of here now!!! When we went out of the shop, everyone said one same thing; “MAHALNYAAAA!!!!!!!” hahahahahaha….Looks like I’m not the only one who thinks like that. Then, we went to other stores. The second bridal shop is being a dawdler. They cannot give the final decision right there and then because the boss was not there. Hello, have you ever heard of a phone call? Is it so hard to dial the number and ask the boss? At least you can give the answer yes or no. Again, the second store is rejected. Then we went to the third and final shop. It’s the only one left here considering that we are in a small, ex-cowboy town. So, we went up, explained to them everything, and we asked for the price. And this time he said ‘RM50”. When we heard that we were sooooooo relieved! At least it’s not as costly as the first one and they can give the final say right there and then, unlike the second one, which if must know also gave a costly price. We were relieved and confirmed with the guys there that we will be there tomorrow to take the picture.

It got me thinking. The first store have really beautiful and elegant wedding gowns, so does the second one. Compared to the third one, those two are really eye catching. The third one is beautiful too, but most of the designs are similar and common. But in the end, it all turned to the third store. Why? Because it’s not really because of the designs that we matter, it’s the price. I was wondering on the two earlier shops, they are too concerned about the price that they left an important thing that should be considered first. We are students! And we are doing it in THEIR own studio! What is there to calculate about? It really gives me an impression. They should be aware that students have this financial problems and duh! of course we cannot afford to pay until 650! Which is most important to them? The money or the impression they’re going to give us? Compared to the third one, the price is reasonable and that too creates an impression that this shop is considerate to people like us students. They don’t really take profit into account, although that is an important matter too. In the end, it is the consideration and the kindness of the person that we will remember. I will remember that store, because they are helpful to us for our assignment. And of course we will help them too by promoting their shop in our presentation and portfolio. It’s a win-win situation for all of us. It leaves a good impression to us. The other studios do leave an impression too, but the impression of being less considerate and greed.

The double FF

It’s easier to forgive than to forget. Forgive and Forget.I’m sure there are people out there who have heard of this phrase before. It’s kind of like a popular phrase to be inserted in a drama or movie dialogue. I know, coz I watch tv a lot!! Haha!

well, what can you say when you hear or read this phrase? To me, I agree wholeheartedly. One thing I have to admit, I’m a softy. It’s very hard for me to decline when people ask for help and it’s very easy for me to forgive after they have offended me. But one thing for sure, I don’t forget as easy as I forgive. I will remember what they did. But not all things of course. If it’s just a minimal thing or just a joke, I’ll get over it without feeling any vengeance towards that person. It’s the really big serious offence that I’m talking about. I daresay I will remember it as long as memory lasts.

Call me cruel, call me bad, call me cold-hearted. Nothing can change that particular side of me. Because I think of course, everyone can apologise. Everyone can say I’m sorry. Everyone can write down saying their sorry and their regrets. Some even have the ‘gift’ to shed tears when apologizing to one person. But I always think this: What is the value of the person apologizing? Do they really mean it? Or are they just doing it because they want to get rid of their guilt and saying sorry is a way to escape from problems. And I wondered; am I the only person who thinks this complicated?

There’s no point saying sorry and still acts the same. Confused? I give you one situation. 2 people had a serious fight. The reason? God knows what. Then the one party apologized to the other party. So the other party thought; Hey, this fella’s apologized to me. Maybe we can be friends again. Maybe we can mend back the broken friendship that we ruined for no reason. But when the person tried to be friendly, tried to strike a conversation, the apologizing party treated it just like the way before the person apologized. And when I say like before the person apologized, I meant like a total stranger. Like they never knew each other before. So I thought. What’s the point apologizing when you are still behaving as cold as you were before? If saying sorry is just so that to make yourself feel guilt-free, it’s best not to apologize at all. My friend say that I’m over sensitive and being emotional. Ok fine, maybe I am. And that is what I am. When people apologized, I really appreciate it. It’s like they really have a good thinking about it and they regret the action and they want to mend what’s broken. That is why I find myself to be difficult to say sorry. Because I know if I nonchalantly apologize, and I did that mistake again, I’ll be hurting the person more. It’s as if we are taking them for granted. Sometimes I think am I the stupid one who accepts apology from everyone but in the end they still did the same damn thing? In the end I’m the only one who feel sad inside and think myself as a big fool and a moron for believing that they really regret their mistakes.

That is why I think its’ a good thing for me not to e forgetting easily a person’s deed. Sure, I might be acting like there’s nothing wrong ever happened, but who knows what I was thinking inside? And one more thing, when I made that one impression on a particular person, it’s extremely difficult for me to change that impression. Regardless of whether the person has changed into a better person, to me you’re still that very same person. And yes, I’m cruel for thinking like that. heh heh…

BOO!

haha...first and foremost..i know its been ages since i write in this blog. I just don't have any idea what to write...not to mention having my hands tied with really busy schedule. Damn! This semester is hectic. And what makes it more hectic is when we are 'blessed' with this REALLY ''COOL'' lecturer who does practically nothing. Supposedly it should be fun, but no way...this lecturer is tough! I really have to always remind myself that this lecturer will be the one who will mark my exam paper. Better keep a low profile and don't ever press the button or you'll be sorry.hahah!

But actually, this semester is really happening. Many things have started to pop out and we know more people and their character as we continue on. I started violin lessons along with my 4 friends, but they took piano classes..huhu... And I became a fasilitator for the first time! Yay! I always think that being a facilitator is a hard thing to do. Well, it does! But the weird thing is, it comes with an enjoying package where we will never regret volunteering to be one. Haha! Not to mention seeing our pals falling into crushes and admirers and most probably the l.o.v.e word. It's kinda scary for me coz I have really bad experience in it, but I just love to see the happiness in my friends when they like a person. I felt that before and I know how blissful it feels. Good luck to all you lovebirds!

This semester too we face health problems. Particularly the infamous swine flu. I try not to say flu babi coz it sounds really rude. But who cares actually right? Haha! It doesn't really give anyone any benefits, except of course the one week sudden holidays due to the kuarantine the university had to do. I see many of my friends having fever and coughs and flu. And I have to say they really make us all worry. Because it will be difficult to catch up with lectures when they are unable to attend them, especially when the lecturers refuse to provide us with notes. That's the challenge being a senior student. The lecturers will expect us to find our own notes based on the course outline they've given. I just have one thing to say to them. Get well soon!!!!

All in all, I have to say this semester is the most challenging so far. Not only I struggle with keeping my studies on track, but also I am struggling for mental and emotional stability. I can be pretty sensitive all of a sudden and become cold and moody few seconds after that. This is not a character most of my friends are aware of. And since I'm more of a emotion rather than a thinker person, the most crucial and important part of all is to keep my emotion stable and not to be easily distracted with anything unnecessary. I must always remind myself to stay focus at one point at the moment, and that is none other than studies, studies, studies and some enjoyments along the way. Any personal feelings are not allowed to enter the zone! haha!